As I was losing him - Murdoch Ahoy
by Natmuread
Summary: Julia's point of view of William drowning in Murdoch Ahoy (season 7). Don't read if you haven't seen that episode. ONE SHOT. Please review. This is my first fanfiction so be nice! :P


As I was losing him

I was trying to convince Miss McFarland to get onto the life boat. Quietly but firmly repeating that she had to go, that this ship was no longer safe. She kept answering that she couldn't leave her Amy on the boat. That she couldn't leave her loved one. I tried getting sense to her, but how could I when I knew I was asking her to do something I couldn't even do myself? The thought of leaving this sinking boat without William made me feel sick. Leaving your daughter was probably worse.

If worse were possible.

As I talked to her, I knew that I was wasting precious time. William was downstairs trying to find Amy and I wasn't there to check if he was alright. William would do anything to save a life, even die if he had to and I knew that very well. This ship was sinking with William no where near the lifeguard boats. But more importantly, he was not with me. If he was going to drown, he would drown with me. I couldn't stand the fact of losing William again. I had already lost him enough times.

Finally I thought I had convince Miss McFarland to get on a boat to save her life. In less than a second I had already made my own decision. I wasn't following her in it. Instead, I had to go find him. Just to see if he was alright.

I ran down the stairs, lifting my skirt up to my knees, not caring if anyone saw me. Of course, no one did see me; they were all on the life boats, but if anyone had I probably wouldn't have noticed. My mind wasn't concentrated on anything except for seeing William.

I turned down the hall and ran through the other stairs, faster than I ever had. As I came to the cargo floor, I saw the Red Indian carrying Amy with the inspector right behind. _Oh thank God, she was alright. _But as I quickly scanned the scene, I knew that William was not there, so I asked "where is he?"

The Inspector quickly rushed that he was just behind, so I turned the next corner to go see him. But he wasn't there.

As I looked up and saw that the room was filled with water, I knew he was in there, somewhere below the water. I knew he was losing air, and that he was dying.

It was like losing a part of my soul. Life suddenly left me, but leaving me somehow alive. I had already felt this feeling many times before, the first time when he had been shot by an arrow all those years ago. It was "ghost" that had almost taken his life, a "ghost" that turned out to be a man in a wheelchair.

I had also felt this feeling recently, about a year ago. I was sleeping peacefully when suddenly I felt like I had been injected with some sort of drug. My head started to hurt and I yelled out a scream. Darcy had awaken at the sound and had pulled me close in his arms, asking what was wrong. As I sobbed in his chest, I felt life leave me and my soul turned to ashes. It was as if everything I had lived for was going away without me being able to stop it. I had never felt so much pain, so much hurt. I gasped for air as I realized what was happening. William was dying. I cried harder into Darcy's chest, praying that he would come through, that somehow someone would save him so that I would get to see him again. Just to hear his voice. Perhaps catch a smile, watch him giggle, maybe even feel his soft lips on mine, like it used to be...

Suddenly, the life that I had lost came back to me. I stopped crying and let go of Darcy. He softly pressed his hands on my shoulders, asking what was wrong and if I was ok. I had told him that I was fine, it was just a bad dream, and he should go back to sleep. He tried pulling me back into his arms, but I refused because all I had wanted than was William.

That was exactly how I felt right now.

I suddenly caught sight of his hat floating above the water. William, I screamed. I repeated his name, this time with more firmness in my voice as if somehow it had the power to lift him out of the water into my arms.

He was no where in sight.

The pain in my chest grew deeper as I dove into the water. I barely felt the impact the cold water had on my head. I wasn't even thinking as I leaped to the surface for air, staying out there for just a few seconds knowing that the smallest hesitation could make the difference between William's life and death. As I scanned the underwater scene with my eyes, I saw something hidden through the boxes. William!

He was all crunched up and clearly unconscious. I reached for him and untangled him from whatever was keeping him under. As I reached the surface, I could hear the inspector calling my name. He was swimming toward me, muttering curses under his breath as he reached my side to help me carry William to safety.

We swam all the way to the edge of the room. All my mind was thinking was _we have to hurry. We have to move faster._ My heart was beating so fast that I thought it would jump out of my chest and with every second the cold dark feeling in my soul became stronger.

As we were pulling him out of the water, I got reminded of the time William had rescued me from being buried alive. He had tried describing what he had felt as he realized I was dying. _Never again do I want to feel such desperation_, he had said. I had been faltered that he cared so much about me, and even if his eyes spoke so much truth I hadn't believed him entirely. I thought he was exaggerating a little.

Now, I was feeling exactly the way he had described. My mind was going crazy. My heart pumping blood through my veins at a thousand gallons per second. My feet shaking so badly I couldn't stand. I understood him. I knew that I could save him, but could I do it fast enough? Was I capable? I didn't know anymore.

I fought through that somehow. Some part of me still had some sense. I knew that I had to save him, and I couldn't let the fear of losing him be the thing to stop me.

William was depending on me to save him just like all of those times I had depended on him to save me. I was just repaying him for all he had done. I wasn't going to let him down. Not when he needed me the most.

I stared at his lifeless body lying on the wet floor and immediately started doing chest compression. I had read about chest compressions a few years ago in a medical book. Most recently thought, I had read about another way to revive humans just that it had only been tested on babies. It was called mouth on mouth resuscitation. I decided to give it a try.

I put my right hand on his nose and my left on his jaw, then I pressed my mouth again his to breath into him.

His lips were so cold. They felt nothing like the way I remembered them. My heart sank deeper into my chest as I remember that night all those years ago when we had gotten drunk and I had kissed him for the first time. His lips had felt so soft and sweet that day as he had leaned toward me with so much passion. It was so different than how they felt now. I prayed that I would get another moment like that with him. Just one more time.

I heard the inspector ask "what the bloody hell do you think you're doing doctor?"

I had no time to explain so I just kept giving him breaths and chest compressions. Inspector was probably thinking I was just kissing him because he was dying and I wanted to feel his lips on mine just one more time. I almost wished I was.

After a few more breaths, I went back to chest compressions. I didn't see any progress though. I slapped him, trying to wake him up. I couldn't lose him now. Not when everything was finally fixing up. Not when everything was turning out right.

_Oh William, please, come back to me. Even if you stop loving me, come back. _

Suddenly he jerked up and started coughing out water. William! I screamed. I put my hands on his shoulders and felt that his body was no longer lifeless. I let out a huge sigh of relief and I realized that I had been holding my breath the whole time. Slowly I started to regain all of the life that I had loss as he did the same.

As much as I wanted to pull him in my arms and kiss him, whisper in his ear that I loved him, to feel his hands move around my body, I didn't because this boat was sinking and we had to get out. Instead, I went to his other side and helped him get up.

I was looking at him intensively, and so was the inspector, waiting for him to speak.

"I've lost my hat" were the first words William's now breathing mouth spoke.

I almost felt like laughing, and the inspector mumbled something as he went to get his hat.

William was now standing and I could see the chocked look on his face. We didn't have much time left before this boat sank completely, so I started pulling him down the hall.

As I watched him struggle up the stairs I realized how much I loved him, but also how close I had been to losing him and I never, EVER want to feel that feeling again.


End file.
